Married to the Twelve Steps

The Benefit

Entering into a relationship with a recovering alcoholic may sound like a risky proposition. On paper, it would seem that a relationship where one partner has a normal reaction to alcohol while the other one is in recovery from the disease contains potential stumbling blocks to success. However, such a relationship instead offers numerous rewarding benefits that easily outweigh those downsides. Some of those benefits are easy to spot, while others may require some insight to find. This article discusses some of these benefits along with some tips for living gracefully and gratefully with someone who abstains from drinking for the most important of reasons of all: alcoholism.

I have had the ultimate good fortune to meet, fall in love with, and marry someone who is an alcoholic in recovery. My wife has been in a healthy journey of well-adjusted sobriety for over four years now. She is active in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), attends meetings regularly, volunteers for the cause, and holds herself accountable to her sponsors and has completed the twelve steps several times. The twelve steps are crucial: she has worked through them with her sponsor several times, and takes their life-lessons seriously.

In my opinion, our marriage is twice as stable as it would be had she not completed the twelve steps and learned to live their lessons daily. I contend that people, like her, who regard their sobriety seriously as the life-dependent condition that it truly is, should be sought out as wise examples of honorable and spiritual living that the rest of us strive for, but sometimes fall short of. As evidence of this I offer the following views from the other side of the twelve steps:

Stability
Someone who has struggled with alcohol in the past may seem like a person susceptible to risky and careless behavior in the future. Aren't we all, though? Observe carefully someone who has completed the twelve steps and regularly attends AA meetings, however, and you will find a person extremely well-adjusted and capable of handing the ups and downs of everyday life. The strong sense of community cultivated through AA, along with the 24/7, built-in therapy group the program provides them, makes the recovering alcoholic more even-keeled throughout life's misadventures than the rest of us.

Those of us not in the program do not have the same level of stress-reduction training and are less equipped to roll with life's crests and troughs. The accumulated group wisdom of AA is an amazing entity to behold in action for an outsider--it's an ingenious system. Being instantly connected to a network of people through AA that empathize with what you are going through, have the knowledge of how to deal with it, and the compassion to do something about it, and offers a hugely important survival tool for the alcoholic to benefit from. This makes them, in my opinion, more stable than the average person.

Gratitude
Living with a recovering alcoholic offers daily lessons in gratitude. Gratitude is like a magnifying glass that illuminates everyday activities in a bright, clear light. You haven't lived until you can see life through the eyes of someone utterly grateful to be alive and sober. Living under the glow of the sober person's thankfulness brings warmth to your life as well.

Whether you're climbing a mountain, or simply being thankful for family and friends, learning to live with the gratitude of a recovering alcoholic generates an appreciation for life that benefits us all.

Authenticity and Responsibility
The recovering alcoholic has a keen sense of personal responsibility and authenticity, developed first by working on the twelve steps, then maintained by constant accountability to others in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics who are serious about their recovery understand full well their own roles in their disease and how their actions affected others. Carrying those lessons forward to other aspects of life, you will find they are not prone to blaming others, deflecting responsibility, or making excuses.

Conflict resolution in a marriage where one partner understands and lives the concept of personal responsibility often works miraculously well. Even more so if the normal partner feeds into that authenticity vibe, too. You would be amazed how few times the word "you" is used in such a marriage, except in the case of offering praise and compliments. Instead, in the case of conflicts and misunderstandings, the word "I" is used more often than not--personal responsibility. Integrity: try it someday.

The Response

Be thankful your spouse or significant other is alive, well, and working the twelve steps for the reasons mentioned above. Be serious about supporting your spouse's sobriety, for his or her life depends on it. The previous discussion sounds like being married to an alcoholic is easy, though, and requires no effort from the normal partner.

This is not the case, however. Whether the concessions you have made to be married to an alcoholic are large or small, there is still work to be done on your part. The following are some important, thoughtful steps you can take to display the required support.

Be Inquisitive
The crucial role of good communication in a successful marriage need not be restated. However, in the case of a mixed alcoholic marriage, attitudes and reactions to alcohol and its effects cannot be discussed often enough. Whether you have permission to drink around your alcoholic spouse or not, take care to ensure your actions cause them no discomfort.

Most people with normal reactions to alcohol have not had occasion to thoughtfully examine their attitudes toward it, let alone how it can effect someone as close to them as their spouse. Consider what you might learn about yourself by examining the lessons your spouse has learned in their recovery. Occasionally ask yourself why you drink before you do; you may be surprised by the answer.

Listen
Provide a safe haven for your spouse to discuss issues of alcoholism with you. Those in the program of AA know that talking to each other is the key to keeping their members sober. However, do not believe that you can be as equally an important healing influence to them. Only another alcoholic can truly understand. Yet offering a listening ear shows enormous respect and compassion and helps prevent any conflicts or misunderstandings between the two of you where alcohol is involved.

Be Transparent
An easy trap for the normal spouse of an alcoholic is to consider hiding their desire to drink or be reticent about discussing occasions when you have consumed alcohol in order to protect them. Alcoholics in recovery are acutely aware of the drinking activities of those around them, whether they are hidden or not. Thus it would be hard to hide any sort of underground behavior. For that reason, honesty and openness will help cultivate trust and understanding between you and your significant other.

Be prepared to eliminate your liquor cabinet from your home. Be prepared to not drink around your spouse--be humble if you are allowed. Be prepared to discuss with them your desire to drink when you experience cravings so that those cravings may be satisfied in appropriate ways.

Be Discrete
Just because you are allowed to drink alcohol, because your reactions to it are normal, doesn't mean you always should. Pick your moments carefully and pay attention to situations that may cause your spouse discomfort if you drink. Don't accept a drink every single time you have an opportunity, or you might get caught in an eerily alcoholic-like mindset of constantly plotting your next chance to drink. Practice abstinence every once and a while--it's easier than you think.

Definitely do not flaunt your ability to consume liquor, and try not to use your alcoholic spouse as a built in designated driver. That would be an unsympathetic exploitation of an unfortunate situation, like sending a lung cancer survivor back down into a coal mine. Finally, discretion is preferred and excesses are not recommended: smelling booze on the breath of others may be a trigger to an alcoholic, or at least cause uncomfortable reminders of the past.

Embracing the numerous rich benefits of being in a relationship with an alcoholic in recovery far outweighs any disadvantages, provided the advice of this article is followed and expanded on with your own rewarding experiences.

Be grateful, be authentic, help others--live joyfully.