January 2009 Archives

2008

Plot: World's worst dog eats his way into the hearts of cat owners everywhere.

Eric: I drove home from the theater planning on writing that this film illustrates exactly why Kelly and I have four cats and no kids. But when I returned I found puke on the carpet and a hairball on my computer keyboard. Sigh. I cried hard at the end of this film, when . . . I spilled nacho cheese on my boot.

(cat paws)

Kelly: Anyone who has ever been lucky enough to have a pet—especially a very bad pet—will understand that this movie speaks the truth about unconditional love. (The world's worst kitty is biting my toes as I write this.) I loved it from beginning to end. I laughed. I cried. I would have bought the t-shirt if they were selling one.

2008

Plot: This is not your father’s fruit of the loom; or, how to tell off your boss and become a cold-blooded killer.

Eric: This movie has a lot of things I like in films: action, special effects, magic healing white-chocolate baths, fast cars, and guns that can send a bullet through a donut hole from miles away. I couldn’t get past this Loom of Fate concept, however. Was the binary alphabet really invented one thousand years ago, when the Fraternity supposedly formed? Who exactly was the first person to look at a swatch of fabric close enough to see the pattern 01000101 01010010 01001001 01000011 emerge in the threads? (That spells Eric.) Wesley was a little too whiny for my taste. I don’t care that he was beaten to a pulp every day; get over it!

Kelly: If your boss, your significant other, or anyone else in your life is really getting on your nerves and you’d like to watch a good revenge film to blow off a little steam, this is flick is for you. If you care at all about the logical development of a plot, don’t bother. The graphics were really cool, though--like watching one long video game. But they are taking orders from an all-powerful . . . um . . . loom. Need I say more? Wait, I do have one more thing to say. If the motto of these assassins is to kill one to save thousands, why didn’t they care that an entire train load of people went off a cliff while they were pursuing their next victim?

2005

Plot: Fidelity, honesty, and personal responsibility jump the tracks.

We have more than usual to say about this one! Movies that make you talk—for good or bad—are sometimes the most interesting.

Eric: This movie succeeded on one level: it riveted me for the duration and caused a provocative discussion between Kelly and me that lasted long past our bedtime. Why is watching characters pile bad decision upon bad decision on top of moral failures so morbidly addicting? My adrenaline was pumping in a type of stress reaction as I wondered what consequences, if any, the main character would face. Kelly, to her credit, predicted the big surprise well in advance and didn’t accept the numerous logic flaws for a second. I appreciated this movie less the following morning. If only Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day could have captivated me this much.

Kelly: I have a strong distaste for movies where the main character puts innocent loved ones in jeopardy just to save face. There is a point (like when the bad guy is kissing your daughter) that it might be a good idea to go ahead and tell the truth! I’m just saying. I guess I could have gone along with the adventure and enjoyed the thrill of wondering how he was going to get out of the mess he created, but I didn’t care. He didn’t deserve revenge. I thought Jennifer Anniston’s character was robotic and a bit sad. Were we supposed to feel sorry for her? The logic didn’t really work; the “good” characters were just plain stupid; and I have yet to find a redeeming quality for anyone in the movie. It did spark a great conversation with Eric, though, and that might be worth placing it on your Netflix queue. I prefer Miss Pettigrew.

2004

Plot: A man recounts the story of his love for his Alzheimer's stricken wife by reading to her from her own notebook.

Eric: I think the studliest line I’ve heard a man speak in a film is found in this film. James Garner as Noah responded to his children about why he wasn’t living with them instead of in the nursing home with their mother, who didn’t recognize anyone due to dementia, by saying, “That’s my sweetheart in there. I’m not leaving—this is my home now.” The expression of love mixed with heartbreak on his face in a climactic scene will linger with me for a long time. I cried.

Kelly: This is a beautiful movie visually and emotionally. It is a great love story that doesn't lose the elements of real life that make the journey bittersweet. I was particularly moved when Allie's mother revealed a choice she made long ago. The pain she still feels over her decision is real, even though she is happy with her life and loves her husband and daughter. The ache in Noah's eyes when his beloved wife falls back into the haze of dementia is just as beautiful as their reunion in the rain. The entire movie is a captivating testament to the incredible, ageless, and everlasting power of love.

1986

Plot: Four young friends take a hike.

Eric: Men—when your wife asks you if you’ve ever seen an overrated movie greater than twenty years old just say, "Yes," or else she'll have Netflix ship it the very next day. Stand by Me had some funny moments, but one poignant one for me was when twelve-year-old Gordie breaks down crying because he is convinced his dad hates him. However, I felt unsettled when the boys’ solution for being threatened with a knife by a rival gang was to pull out a gun. I may never eat blueberry pie again. The leech scene . . . .

Kelly: I was shocked Eric had never seen this movie. I thought the whole male bonding aspect of it would have him riveted to his seat. Just goes to show—I don’t have a clue what’s going on upstairs in that man’s head. I thoroughly enjoyed watching this classic again. I think it speaks very simply and eloquently about the power of friendships, especially at awkward stages of life.

2001, 2002, 2003

Plot: Two midgets with a ring fetish go volcano hunting.

Eric: These three movies represent the finest film achievement of all time—just as compelling on the 42nd viewing as they were on the 17th. I would love to meet Peter Jackson some day and shake his hand.

Infinite paws!

Kelly: If I wake up in the middle of the night and hear that creepy little grey dude saying, "my preccccioussssssss," on Eric's DVD player one more time . . . .

No vote.

Note: Eric has been warned that the concept of infinite paws is not only inconceivable, but impractical.

2007

Plot: Two psychotic women imitate Hannibal Lector.

Eric: Note to self: never again rent a movie about two lonely women living in the Arctic by themselves.

Kelly: This could possibly be the worst movie I’ve seen . . . except for maybe that one about the husband and wife who were abandoned in the ocean and eaten by sharks.

2007

Plot: A lonely, geeky orphan travels forward in time to meet the wacky Robinsons and learns they are his future family.

Eric: This movie looked to me like what would happen if Tim Burton remade the Wizard of Oz. Slightly creepy. I have big arms . . . and a little head. I’m just not sure how well this movie was thought through—Kelly?

Kelly: I suspect the animators where on something when they created this movie, but I was fascinated and couldn’t look away, because the characters were fresh and unique. I have to recommend a movie where the hero marries a frog-lady and the villain has stick-legs!

2008

Plot: The FBI's cyber-crime unit chases a killer who broadcasts his murders over the Internet.

Eric: The horror of the cruelty in this movie was intense. Despite that I had a strange feeling this plot was somehow plausible. Diane Lane was very good as the heroine.

Kelly: I agree that Diane Lane was very good, but I don’t like movies that I have to watch with my hands held over my eyes. Seriously, everybody knew the murderer was in the back seat of the car except the seasoned FBI agent herself—come on!

2008

Plot: A steely Catholic school principal attempts to intimidate and oust a parish priest with questionable motives toward a young boy.

Eric: I think one of the most intense scenes you will see in a long while is the test of wills between Meryl Streep and Viola Davis. I've never seen an actress get so emotional over a scene to cause snot to come out of her nose. Do you think they injected saline up her nostrils between takes?

Kelly: [Sighing] No, they did not shoot saline up her nose between takes! Sister Aloysius' game of cat-and-mouse with Father Flynn was captivating to watch.

2008

Plot: A resourceful Mumbai orphan earns a night of torture for succeeding on the gameshow, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

Eric: My apologies to Meredith and Regis, but I think the fictional host of the Indian version of the popular game show rules! "Who wants to be a mill-on-air!" The open, outdoor toilet scene made me hurl my Hot Tamales.

Kelly: I loved the realistic view of life in poverty-stricken Mumbai and the resourcefulness of the young Jamal. I wish Eric would stop running around the house yelling, "Who wants to be a mill-on-air!"

2007

Plot: Ocean and his gang somehow smuggle a 600-ton tunnel boring machine underneath a rival's Las Vegas casino just to rattle his gaming tables. Right.

Eric: zzzzzzzzzz

No vote.

Kelly: How many sequels are they going to make? Remind me not to watch Ocean's Twenty-Six.

1965

Plot: A poet turned doctor traipses all over the frozen Russian landscape looking for love in the wrong places.

Eric: I felt a lot like Zhivago watching this movie: he was kidnapped and forced to march at gunpoint . . . I was forced to watch this movie at needle point. I learned not to fall asleep during your wife’s favorite movie when she is holding sharp objects. I don’t think even the scarf Kelly is knitting could have kept anyone warm during those cold Russian winters—even if she does ever finish it. Too bad the USC-Penn State football game wasn't more compelling.

Kelly: Okay, I was a little biased going into this one. It's one of my parents' all-time-favorite movies, so I became a big fan of the epic a long time ago by default. It is still a masterpiece of cinematography and an achingly tragic love story. It just drives me nuts that Eric can't stay awake for any movie that was produced before we were born.

Note: Kelly has been warned about exceeding the five-paw ratings limit.

2007

Plot: A New York City schoolteacher's life goes from bad to worse when her meddling biological mother shows up.

Eric: This movie was a surprise to me and possibly the best film of the day. I hope Helen Hunt gets another chance to direct a movie soon. Seeing Bette Midler walk around with her pants off was somewhat alarming. It was getting blessedly hard to remain in bed by mid-afternoon. I found myself craving some football games, a Lazy-Boy, and . . . .

Kelly: It was a good movie. I’m not sure I liked it as much as Eric did, but I would like to see Helen Hunt direct again. Bette Midler annoys me, and I can’t really put my finger on why. The good news is she was supposed to be kind of annoying in this film.

2005

Plot: Set in ancient Korea, a lone female warrior defends an exiled crown prince against hordes of would-be assassins--all by herself.

Eric: It's nice to see a woman lay down her life for a man, for a change! I was never taught how to fly in my Aikido classes, though. A nice film, but I still like Hero, or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon better. It’s very hard to balance a tray of cheese and crackers in your lap in bed and read subtitles at the same time.

Kelly: Why do the women always bite the dust in these movies? I have to admit the fight scenes are pretty cool—with the billowing fabric and flying and all—but why does the heroine always die? I’d like to see one of these where the hero finally sucks it up gives his life for the chick who has been leading him through bamboo forests for months to protect him from harm. And yes, it’s hard to pay attention to the subtitles while balancing food trays and getting crumbs all over the bed.

2008

Plot: The Duke and Duchess of Devonshire do everything to produce a male heir except respect each other.

Eric: The double standard men had in those days was galling. The Duke of Devonshire could blatantly flaunt his mistress to his wife, but the duchess was not allowed her own paramour. The city of Bath, England has nothing on Glenwood Springs, Colorado.

Kelly: Wonderful movie! It had everything I like: romance, intrigue, interesting relationships, suspense, and really, really cool costumes.

2008

Plot: A jaded Mulder and a reluctant Scully return from FBI exile to track down body snatchers with the help of a pedophile psychic priest. Yikes.

Eric: This was a good, but fairly intense movie to watch at eight o’clock in the morning. I thought I knew a lot about the X-Files back story . . . whoops! Why were Mulder and Scully in bed together? Mulder’s beard was the scariest part.

Kelly: Ditto on the beard. I agree with Eric that severed arms and pedophiles are a little rough at 8 a.m.